Caitlin Robertson

Caitlin Ireland Robertson, a dear, dear friend from our younger years of fun and frolick in our small MN town has come back into my life in such a splendid manner.  She doesn't yet know, but her music is healing me!


For the past couple of months I have struggled to put down in words my thoughts, fears, and hopes that come sweeping over me in waves of emotion I haven't yet experienced from any of my previous surgeries. As I listen to Caitlin's debut album, I realize that these emotions I am feeling are heart ache: Heart break for the parts of me that seem to be lost, it is frightening and a bit overwhelming. I am trusting that through every heart break, comes growth, strength, and most often a most wonderful place that you could not have imagined as you sit in the dark, crying for the loss and for the plans you thought you were making.

These feelings culminate after a phenomenal weekend with my family in Minneapolis. How different to think a couple of years ago I thought I may be racing in the Olympic Trials marathon this past weekend. Instead, I watched coverage with my family as we sat in Marney and Colin's living room. Though not how we had bought we could experience that race, I looked around the living room and felt so loved and lucky to be in that exact place in time. These small, simple moments in live get more and more precious through each passing day.

Thank you Ciatlin, U.S. Marathoners, Marn, Colin, Mom, Dad, Rob, and the rest of "the Fam."  Your love, wisdom, laughter, wackiness, and support make an awesome team.  I love you!

DEFEAT Cancer

There are so many things I want to write about this morning, but time is limiting me.  I woke up feeling and looking like a small truck ran me over during the night.  I could barely get out of bed.  And no amount of cold water, under eye serum, or anti-aging cream can help the exhaustion that seems to be exuding from my eyes.  I will be certain to sleep lots tonight as I get to go home to MN tomorrow afternoon and need to be rested and healthy for flying.

A quick update as I have attempted to post meaningful posts over the past couple of weeks and I keep getting stuck.  Next week however, I am starting a class through the cancer program at the hospital called "how to write your story."  I am excited for this and hope that it will help me get my thoughts on paper.

Last night was the first DEFEAT cancer meeting of the year and it was incredible!  I felt inspired, supported, and happy.  There were orphans from Peru and Liberia there performing song, dance, and music as they spread the word about the orphanage that is helping them.  What beautiful souls these children had and such joy to share with us!

And then, Brad, founder of First Descents, spoke to the group.  And I am IN.  As soon as I am done with work today, I am on that website to find the week that will work for me to join in on an adventure of a lifetime.  Watch out, my dream of becoming a surfer might just come to fruition....

And so many more things are happening right now, like I am back to work, but I have to walk to the bus station right now so that I can get to work.

I feel that good things are going to come in 2012!

Christmas

I am amazed that it is already the week of Christmas! For the first time in my 32 years I am spending the holidays away from MN and my parents.  I know I need the rest before heading back to work but I am having a hard time "wrapping" my mind around the holidays without MN cold, snow and my family.

I will love them from afar and embrace the quiet wonder of Christmas for two.  Happy holidays to all, I wish you a joyous new year!

Clinique Gift Bag

As many women may know, you can go to a department store, pay x amount of money for Clinique make-up, lotions, etc and you get a "free gift."

Last Friday, I went to my friends Katie and Jeff's house for dinner.  They have the sweetest three children who gave me the most thoughtful, heartfelt gift I have ever received.  And it just so happened to be in this "free Clinique gift" bag.

After dinner, their oldest son (8), shyly handed my this little bag which was surprisingly heavy.  I asked if they could tell me the story behind it before I opened it up as I had absolutely no idea what to expect.  I simply knew that Katie told me they had come up with this idea on their own.

After talking with their parents and knowing I had just had surgery, they decided to help.  A couple weeks ago, these three boys (8, 6, 4) had a hot chocolate, cookie stand to help raise money for me!  They were out for almost 6 hours serving up goodies to help me.  Their goal was to raise $25.00 because they knew that each of my appointments (the co-pay) was that amount!  My heart has been lifted and I cannot thank you three enough!

These boys give me such hope and strength.

Bend Family

As I have been back in Bend for about a month, I am continuously humbled by the love and support of my Bend family.  My family can rest assured that I am supported, loved, and taken care of.

A huge thank you to everyone from FootZone as they supported me through individual events while I was in MN!  As they ran/hiked the trails, my spirit was with them and can't wait to join again...

And 11-11-11, World Hoop Day!

The incredible hoop community in Bend held a fund raiser to assist me! I am not quite ready to get back in the hoop, but I am hooping in my soul! Thank you all for your love and support.

Sore...or Soar?

Yesterday was a big day for me in the exercise department! And I am actually sore today, what a tremendous feeling.  To be sore from a little exercise and not in pain from surgery or drugs is unmatched these days.

Yesterday morning I did my "trek" to the Pilot Butte middle school track where I proceeded to run two full laps without stopping! Now not only am I really wimpy these days, but my vision cut changes my perception of things so it's an interesting new ride to begin running.  If things continue to improve, my goal is 1600 meters next Sunday!

In addition to my increased exercise, I got to drop my dose of steroids again yesterday and so far no new head aches or pain so I definitely feel that things are starting to heal and stabilize as the days go by.

And what do I do with my days, you may ask?  3 to 4 appointments each week along with new visual exercises, scanning routines, working on reading skills, and tying to rest as my sleep pattern is much interrupted, my days are surprisingly full!  

Some days have definitely been more challenging than others, but I am trying to set at least one goal for each day that will get me closer to the "me" I want to be.

Another chapter

This post has been challenging for me.  Each time I sit down to write, the words just don't seem to be there.  Today marks the 6 week point post-surgery and it has by far been my best feeling day to date!  I am very thankful to be feeling stronger and ready to take on the next challenge.

Bend is going to be a great place for me to continue on my journey to increased strength, health, and FUN!  Over the past two weeks, I have been given the best treatment someone could ever hope for.  Rob has cooked every meal for me, trying to figure out what I would like on different days when my appetite was still on the fritz.  And did I mention, he is an amazing chef.  He has gone on extremely slow walks, helped me with my vision therapy treatment, challenged me to get stronger each day, and we've still had time to have a little fun.

One of the things I am most grateful for and that has helped me immensely is the acupuncture treatments Rob has been doing.  They have helped me to get my digestion on the right path, decrease the pain in my head, neck, and back, sleep, and feel more balanced over all.  Acupuncture is still fairly new to me and each treatment leaves me a bit amazed, and I love it.  Thank you!

And tonight is a moment that I have not really made public as I am not quite ready.  But there's no going back at this point.  I am starting Temodar (the chemotherapy of choice for brain tumors) tonight.  After talking with all of my doctors, we have changed the protocol from last time.  I am going to be starting a low dose regimen that is every single day.  It is supposed to be much better tolerated and based on my poor (and dangerously low blood counts from last time) we are hoping for an easier time with it. Yet still, the apprehension is there and I do not know what to expect.

Please continue to send me your positive energy, any anti-nausea energy you can afford to spare would be extra appreciated:-)  And now I am off to take some anti-nausea med's before the chemo.